The Translator's Guide to Catullus: Seven Steps

I.  Give Catullus a frontal lobotomy.

II. Now that you've brought him to your level, figure that he is
    inarticulate, seeing as he just had a frontal lobotomy and all.

III. To help him out, disregard any structural or syntactic
     relation between the words, which you don't even see
     anyway.  It is best to treat his text as Bag of Words.

IV. Using your own deep insights, gained from the unknowable
    depths of your psyche, arrange those little puzzle pieces
    from that Bag of Words so they deeply resonate with you.

V.  It helps to recite the original Latin repeatedly so you can
    really commune, Bag-like, with those Words, unencumbered by
    thoughts of how they might have gone together in the mind
    of Catullus, pre-lobotomy.

VI.  The translator's art is a subtle one, so go and add your
     own words, idioms, and imagery, because the reader needs
     even more help than poor old Catullus, and your reader should
     not have to figure anything out.

VII. Give free rein to your own predilections, hang-ups, opinions,
     politics, morality, and especially your deepest desires.  Putting
     those into Catullus is characteristic of truly great translation.

VIII. The final, polished, insightful translation will show off how smart
      you are, and lead the reader directly to your interpretation, and
      to no other possible one, because after all, the goal is not to
      translate the poem, but to translate your interpretation of it,
      and to present it to readers who are much less intelligent than
      you are.

IX.  You can't count anyway, or else you'd have a STEM job.